I’m not excited to be posting this really, it’s pretty sad and mental health related but I feel like it’s something I’ve wanted to post about for a while (but it’s very densely mental health related so a pre-warning)
I’ve avoided blogging for a bit, not that I don’t continuously keep trying to write posts, but I don’t feel passionate about a single one of them which is very frustrating. I kind of feel part of the reason for my lack of passion links with the theme of this post, depression.
For a very very long time I have avoided referring to my mental health as having any attitribute of depression, I feel like it has this scary stigma alongside it, one that I’ve never liked to associate myself with. And I actually really don’t care for labels so I’ve never felt the need to get myself officially diagnosed, despite being quite positive I have the chemical disposition for it. It’s got to a point now though where I think it’s necessary for me to talk to a doctor about it, not so I can label it but so I can try to look for help regarding it. It’s semi terrifying because by going to the doctors about it I can’t just awkwardly deny it and hope it’ll just go away somehow, it makes it feel a lot more real.
Recently I’ve been going through some grey patches. I always think that’s the best way to describe my moods because I get completely unable to feel excited about anything and it can make me feel really numb. Everything feels disgustingly pointless. It’s ironic because I always like to classify myself as a happy person and when I’m around friends I genuinely do feel it a lot of the time. Yet when I’m on my own I suffer from very depressive moods, where I feel very little motivation to get up and do stuff, and I don’t really like making plans with other people for fear I’m being too pushy and that if they wanted to make plans they’d make them with me (a silly attitude I know). This can lead to me spending days in bed or doing very little, and my mood just being in a constant slump. I get very irritated with myself for it because I know I am a very privileged human and I’m blessed to have the people in my life that I do, and I’m just blessed to live the life I do. It’s so frustrating because it feels wrong that I could have depression when everything in my life is great. Except depression isn’t specific in who it affects, it can affect anyone regardless of their life circumstances and I’m getting more used to that now.
I’m aware that depression isn’t something that can simply be switched off, so I’m trying to do what I can to help myself (thus why I’m visiting the doctor) and I know I’ll be dandy one day but it might take a little while. It’s hard when you’re in a depressive mood to do productive things you know might help lift the mood, because you feel very little, if any, motivation. I’m lucky in that my depressive moods fluctuate and sometimes things are okay, and sometimes even more than okay! It’s a bit of a rocky track, but I know things will get better. When my mood isn’t as low, so usually when I’m with my friends and doing something I really enjoy, I hold on to that, because it’s a reminder that there are so many things in life to appreciate and enjoy which are still there even in the darker times.
I feel like this has been a very self centred post which isn’t what I want, I just want to speak about it because it’s been having a really big impact on me recently and I’m sure there are many others around me that are suffering similarly. I’m really scared that people might have a shift in perspective of me at all due to this post, because I always think depression sounds really big and like it’s a crazily significant part of a person. Except it’s just an added extra that comes along with me as a person (for the time being) but it isn’t a significant part of who I am as a human, not really at all.
I hope you’re all doing well, and if not I hope you are very soon,
P.s. I know some people are very anti self diagnosis, and to an extent I also don’t think it’s a great thing to do, however I sometimes feel like you can be very aware yourself without an official diagnosis, but it’s usually necessary to get one if you want to progress towards ‘recovering’ from a mental illness I think.