I’ve not written in quite a long time, mainly because I keep on jotting things down but becoming completely unsatisfied with them before I get to post them. So I’m just going to hold my breathe for this one and post it before I can overthink.
By this point, if you’ve read any of my other posts, I’m sure you’ll be aware that I like to overshare a tad on my blog (however to me it’s not oversharing because I’m really very open). So, I started on anti-depressants a few weeks ago. I know they’re a fairly common medication, but it’s an awkward topic to bring up, so I feel like it’s something you wouldn’t often be particularly aware of. However I want people to be aware, I want to be able to talk about it, because they’re helping me with an illness, just like any other medication would be doing. They’re helping me to get better.
The process of starting on them wasn’t so complex for me, which is lucky. I was referred to a psychiatrist who formally diagnosed me with ‘generalised anxiety disorder with obsessive tendencies’. I’ve known I’ve had anxiety for a long while but it was nice to get an official diagnosis, in an odd kind of way. It makes it a bit more real and scary, however the fact I’ve been diagnosed doesn’t actually change the disorder itself. Yet it’s because of the diagnosis that I was put on anti-depressants (not for depression, as I don’t have that, but for my anxiety), so I’m very very glad. I’ve been hesitant about going onto meds for a very long time, because it felt scary to be ‘handing over control’ to a medication and becoming dependant on them was also a fear. However, I’m still in complete control of my brain, somehow more so than I was before. And luckily I know that I won’t become dependant on these, as when partnered with therapy and lifestyle changes, they just push you in the right direction and help you get to where you want to be. So if anyone reading this is feeling how I did, don’t be afraid to go and talk to a doctor about medication or diagnosis or any of that sort of thing. It’d be naïve for me to not realise that it’s a lot harder said than done sometimes, but it will most likely be really useful and worthwhile. Also, I’m definitely not claiming to be an expert, because I am not in the slightest, but if anyone wants to talk to me about anti-depressants or my experience or anything of the sort, I’d be glad to help in any way.
To me, one of the hardest things about all of this stuff is that it feels like it should all be something I can just switch off myself. It makes me a bit sad when I start thinking about how I have to take medication to cope with everyday life, but I just remember to remind myself that it’s chemical imbalances in my brain that I can’t control. So it’s okay to need medication to help me fix that.
Another thing with medication is that to me, it’s made it feel more real. I got so used to my anxiety that even though it was very unhealthy, it was just how things were. So starting to take medication was a step towards full acceptance that my way of thinking wasn’t an ok habit at all and is one I can change. It’s also made me think of how at 10 years old, I would never have imagined myself ending up as I am now, for both good and bad reasons. However I’ve had little control over the bad, and I’m proud of myself for the good. I’m also a lot different to how I’d have imagined myself to be when I was 14 as well, in that I’m still here. So for that I’m also incredibly proud of myself (which isn’t something I say or write very often).
Recently I’ve started to notice I’m slowly rediscovering myself. Now my head feels more free and empty, I’m able to find myself a little more, slowly but surely. Right now, it’s a bit odd because I don’t feel myself and I feel a bit dull with the emptiness, however I’m going to fill that gap with new things. I know I’ll always have days where I’ll feel like shit, and days when my anxiety isn’t great, but I know I’ll get to a point where my happy days far outweigh those days. And I’m really really excited for it!
After every post I’ve ever written, I always stress out about how self-orientated my posts seem. It’s kind of hard because I like to just write about my life and experiences, but it’s hard to write that in a way that can’t be perceived as very ‘me’-ish. Especially because I really like to write about stuff regarding my mental health , and I feel I can only write that from a personal perspective, because everyone’s experiences differ. I hope none of you mind too much anyway.
Admittedly I doubt I’ll be writing again all that soon, but you never know! A miracle might occur and I might stop being so weirdly self conscious about what I post.
I hope everyone is good, and if you aren’t, I really hope you are soon,
P.s. I’m writing this at half 2 in the morning so please excuse any grammatical errors and shitty spelling mistakes (Here’s hoping I haven’t made any).