Today is bad and my head feels like it’s about to explode, but yet somehow I still feel quite happy.
I got discharged from my psychiatrist today which I’m pleased about in a lot of ways. I’m frightened, but I know it means she’s seen a lot of progress, which I know is very much correct. A year ago today I was so unwell, every day I’d feel pushed to the edge and I’d self harm, then cry and apologise to myself, just to repeat the action again the next day. I don’t know when the last time I apologised for that was, but I’m glad to say I don’t need to anymore. I sit here right now feeling a bit grumpy with myself, considering self harming briefly, considering punishing myself for something I’ve probably never even done, but I refuse to do it. Bravery comes in a lot of different forms, but my bravery comes in the form of never giving up. It makes my chest well up with pride, not just for me but for every person that goes through similar things to me and comes out the other side. Because most of us do, and all of us are capable of it.
I’m struggling a lot socially at the moment, as I think I probably have aspergers to a degree (it’s came up in discussion with most of my therapists but it’s never been something I’ve cared to look into further because I don’t think it’d be useful for me). I’ve distanced myself from a lot of my old friends, and it makes me sad. Partially on the grounds I’m lonely but mainly due to me still caring about most of them to a very high degree, yet doubting it’s returned. I worry that people think I’m a bad person, even though I’m not sure what I have specifically done wrong, I just feel it.
But in my heart I know I’m not a bad person and that’s enough for me.
I start volunteering tomorrow which I’m very very excited about. I’m driven by external results and by helping other people (I never see furthering myself as particularly motivational). Yet I can’t help but feel really fuzzy and happy to know I’m doing something!! I’m going to be helping people and it’s given me a feeling of worth that I’ve not felt in an awfully long time.
Aside from all this, I also have a lot of other reasons to be happy. I really believe in myself for possibly the first time ever and I feel really peaceful. I rarely feel angry or jealous and my anxiety is bearable. I have wonderful friends and family (and a lovely significant other), maybe not a lot of them but the ones I do have are the purest and kindest people which is truly a blessing. I have a rat that chases after my toes all of the time and falls asleep lying across my feet quite regularly, but who never ever fails to make me smile. I’m going on holiday with my family in less than a week which will be pleasant (requiring a lot of yoga to keep up the whole inner peace thing though) and hopefully I’ll end up with a tan!
Things are okay. Better than okay. Today my eyes and heart feel a tad heavy but they also feel full. Everywhere is full of possibility and I’m excited to go out and grab as much of it as I can.
My progress is a testament to meds, my therapists, but most of all myself. Life is sometimes rough and that’ll never change but it’s also full of beautiful people, moments and things. I hate the whole cliché ‘turn to the light’ type quotes but honestly.. I think they might be right?
All the love,