Sometimes I wonder when it’ll be my turn to love myself. I’m very preachy about self positivity and I think it’s so important to love yourself, but when it comes to me actually loving me? Eh.
I’d say I was always a little strange as a kid, in a pleasant way, I’ve always had this thing about caring more about other people’s feelings than my own, the opposite of a psychopath I’d say. I’ve never really liked myself all that much, I think that’s the root of a lot of my mental health problems, this obsession with control, particularly when it comes to me as a person and the things I allow to alter how I feel. I don’t really see there being much to like, I go through patches where I’m ok with myself, I can bear it, but never actually having a positive perspective on myself.
It’s shit because it makes me feel like the most unloveable human, and (this is partially because I’m hormonal and absolutely exhausted but) even writing about this is making me cry. The shittest thing about low self esteem and not being able to accept myself is because I feel like I constantly need to change, but I have no idea how to. I convince myself that nobody can love me as I am, and it’s given me ‘trust issues’, but only because I physically feel unable to believe people sometimes. It’s like I’m trying really hard to listen to them and get it into my head but my brain is just screaming all these negative things over it. Sometimes when I’m on my own I just let these thoughts consume me which can lead to some pretty self detrimental behaviour. I know inside my head that it’s not okay to treat myself like shit, or anyone to treat themselves or anybody like shit, but in the moment it can be a little tricky.
However, I’m not really one to give up easily, not something that is in my repertoire, I’m not going to be defeated by my own brain. Even if it takes me a while, I’ll get to a point where I’m honestly happy with myself. I know I will.
It’s been a dark time recently, but again, I know I’ll get through it, I feel like human’s underestimate their ability to get through things (I’m sure I’ve written that before) and as my friend Kali always tells me to do, I’m going to just try to tell the negative thoughts to fuck off. At the end of the day, we’re all in control of our own heads and what we let consume us. So I’m going to do just that (or try very hard to anyway).
I’ve realised recently all my posts are pretty self centred, about my personal feelings and experiences etc. I think that’s the thing I can write best about, I hope it doesn’t make me come across as egotistical. I’ve always tried to keep a diary but I hate that, it always feels really empty and pointless, but I enjoy writing this blog. And I hope it helps or encourages somebody or just has an impact on even one other person’s life. And I hope you like reading it as much as I do writing it.
All the love,
P.s. I’m too tired to even read over this, so I’m sorry if there’s 90 million corrections to be made (it’s raw and all that)